This has been quite possibly the most tiring week of my life. Drained & exhausted in all aspects. The thoughts in my head are in a war between staying positive and raging out my frustrations. I am drowning in panic, anxiety, sadness, confusion.
But I know there are more tiring weeks to come. This is just a big wave crashing. Another one is bound to happen.
And I refuse to sink.
Because even in the darkest of days wherein I gasp for air, I know this will all be worth it. Every struggle and problem that the universe is bringing into my life is a test of how much I want it and how much it means to me.
pwede magmura (tang-ina di na ba tayo natuto)
pero bawal sumuko.
ginusto mo ‘to. kasama sa trabaho ang pagtanggap ng mali ng iba kaya suck it in at maging leader ka.
Reposting this as it perfectly summarizes Summer 2014.
The past four months were filled with moments of self-doubt and feeling of uselessness. I had to come up with excuses just to come up with the reason why I was “bumming” what was supposedly a productive and opportunistic period.
"I wasn’t really into corporate stuff eh." "I just wanted to rest." "Puro orgwork kasi eh."
These were the words I utter almost everyday to others and to myself whenever I stumble that pang of insecurity seeing others do something significant in their lives. I had all the time in the world to pursue and learn other things but I didn’t. I ended up wallowing in my sadness of how my always-on-the- go life suddenly turned into this mess.
But looking back, I still don’t regret the way I chose how to spend this summer. There were definitely bad days, but there were good ones too. The past four months got me thinking so hard about myself and where do I go after this year. It made me realize that I make too many excuses for how I live my life instead of actually living it the way I wanted it to be. So many what-ifs I have to throw away and fears to face.
It’s pretty funny how the universe collapses on you and brings you on your lowest point to tell you that you are the brightest star only if you wanted it to be.
So here I am, on these last few hours of one uneventful yet most important summer of my life. Tomorrow is my first day in my last year of college and the beginning of a rather new life for me.
Make it count.
"No one, including us, ever really knew, ‘Is this dating? Is this not dating?’ We were never really dating, we were never really not dating. We didn’t know. No one knew. All you’d know for sure as that you’d always find one of us next to the other, even if we weren’t getting along.” - Bj Novak.
thanks to kat for sending these journal entries from four years ago. still freaking relevant even after everything. makes me wonder if do the times get better.
this post serves as a pledge to watch more, read more, listen more and be more.
I’ve been listening to the 3 versions of this song over and over again. Hay.
note to self # 2